I’m writing this because I still don’t fully believe it happened, but the evidence keeps stacking up and I need to get it down before the details start slipping.
I was doing what I always do, grinding DoorDash late at night to pay bills. It was around 11:40 PM. I’d just dropped off a massive burrito order to some stoner house deep in the hood off I-94. Playlist blasting, half-eaten burrito in the passenger seat, windows down. Normal Tuesday.
Then the sky tore open.
Not lights in the distance. Not a plane or drone. A literal hole appeared overhead swirling purple-black with pulsing electric blue veins. My 2018 Honda Civic died instantly. Radio cut out. Phone screen went black. The entire car shook like it was sitting on a subwoofer.
A beam slammed down. It didn’t feel like light — it felt heavy, like being wrapped in wet concrete. I blacked out.
What I Remember Next
I woke up floating. Naked. Suspended in some kind of chamber that smelled like ozone mixed with old gym socks and metal. The walls breathed. Tall grey entities with too many joints, wet obsidian eyes and no mouths were moving around me. One of them picked up my phone (somehow still with them) and started scrolling through my meme folder and camera roll. It made a sound like dial-up modem laughter mixed with whale song.
They didn’t speak. They just… knew things. I felt images and concepts pushed into my head: star maps, warnings about something coming in 2027, and weirdly specific shit about my Spotify playlists.
I have no idea how long I was there. It felt like hours, but when I came back it was five full days later.
Reappearance
I woke up in the middle of a Walmart Supercenter parking lot at 3:11 AM on Sunday, June 14 wearing only my left sock? Beard grown out several inches. Random streaks of white in my hair. A glowing metallic wristband fused to my skin that I still can’t get off.
My car was parked neatly two rows away, keys in the ignition, tank full, and a new air freshener that smells like nothing on Earth.
My phone had 47 hours of new audio: backwards Gregorian chants mixed with whale songs and what sounds like my own voice laughing hysterically in the background.
Aftermath & Verifiable Weirdness
I passed a lie detector test this morning (arranged by a friend who’s deep into this stuff). The examiner looked disturbed when I answered questions about the “WiFi on the ship.”
Every Tuesday at 3:33 AM my TV turns on by itself and shows static with a silhouette that looks exactly like me waving. Burritos in my fridge sometimes heat themselves.
I blacked out for 20 minutes yesterday and woke up speaking fluent dolphin clicks (recorded it). The wristband blinked earlier today and displayed clear English text:“Good memes. Round 2 loading…”
Cops think I went on a bender. My friends are split between “you’re trolling” and “we need to go public.” I’m somewhere between terrified and low-key impressed at their taste in memes. I don’t know what they wanted. I don’t know if they’re coming back. But if you’re reading this and you see a swirling purple-black hole in the sky… don’t stop for photos. I sure as hell wish I hadn’t.